Lots of.. nothing, really.

I am a thinker. No doubt about that.

I over analyze stuff all the time. My mind is always chewing, swallowing, and digesting something.

It's not always pretty.

However.. lately I have been struggling more with my feelings than anything else. I don't even know if "struggling" is the right word, here.

I have become more aware of my feelings, I guess.

In the last decade or so, I have been brainwashed into thinking that feelings are not to be trusted. The heart is deceitful. Always. I had made that my mantra. And I guess that, for a thinker like me, it wasn't too difficult to go that direction. I could always reduce everything to a mental exercise.

And still, there came a point in which I had to come to terms with the fact that you can't live without feelings. They are ever present, and they do direct your life.

And sometimes those feelings go against all you believe or thought you believed.

So, what do you do?

I don't know yet. I've tried the "do the right thing", and it doesn't always work. You may externally look fine, but inside you're pretty much dying. Everybody will see someone you're not. Then one day the true you, the one with the feelings, comes out and it's a shock. It's a big surprise. They think you went nuts. That you've lost your way. While in reality you were on your own way all along, but nobody could (or sometimes would) see it.

You just can't deny feelings, as much as you try. Even those who say they don't trust feelings base their lives on them, one way or the other.

Granted, sometimes feelings are just momentary emotions. And those may not lead you to the true you. But sometimes (dare I say, more often than not?) they are deeply embedded in you. They are the true you.

And if they don't align with what you thought they should have been, or with other people's expectations, what do you do with them?

Can I change how I feel about something? Some people can. I can't. I cannot fake it till I make it. "Fake it till I make it" to me always translates into "fake it till I can't fake it anymore".

Bottom line is, I cannot turn on and off feelings like they were a faucet.

So, what now?