Tired?

Do you ever get tired of trying to figure out who God is? What He means by what He reveals in the Bible? If He's an inclusivist or an exclusivist (a hot topic currently)? What He wants from you? What does "God" really mean?

I have moments in which I get so tired. Mentally.
I go in circles. Back and forth, yes and no, whys and why-nots, punishment and forgiveness.. and the list could go on and on. It gets tiring and old.

I can hardly figure out myself, with whom I've spent over forty years, 24/7, much less God, with my limited understanding. I can't even know why I feel or not feel certain things, and I have the.. audacity? arrogance? illusion? ..to try and figure out God?

Sometimes I just want to live.

Extreme thinking and a certain type of language...

As I have said before here, I've changed a lot lately. I've distanced myself from a lot of stuff, stemming mainly from me distancing myself from a certain type of christianity and, even more so, from a certain idea of "church".

Part of that distancing resulted in me not quite understanding anymore a certain "christian" lingo, which now, at the very least, doesn't make sense to me, often just bounces off me, and occasionally even irritates me.

One such often used expression is "Lord of my/your life".

What exactly does that mean?

I've been asked recently, "Is He lord of your life?" referring to Jesus/God, of course.

First of all, is that even "biblical" language? I'm having a hard time finding that Jesus ever said "I am/will be lord of your life". Please correct me, if there is such Bible verse.

But, again, what does it mean?

There is another concept that somehow seems to be clashing with this one. Another one of those non-biblical terms that is used a lot, though. And it's the concept of "Free Will".

If I have Free Will, wouldn't that imply that whatever decision I make I am ultimately the lord of my life?

Even when I decide to submit to a "Lord", it is still my ultimate decision, and I submit to my understanding of what that Lord requires from me (so, is my mind my lord?) Or - even - I may submit to someone else's idea/explanation of what Lord requires, which, again, makes them somehow my lord, doesn't it?

From what I understand Lord and Master are used interchangeably, and that would mean that if there is a lord there is also a slave or a servant. And now that concept clashes with Free Will, again. A servant or a slave cannot have Free Will. Someone may say that when you submit to Lord you do renounce to your Free Will, and follow His Will. But that's not true. Because we keep doing over and over again our own Will, by sinning, by interpreting Lord's will, by making decisions, de facto overriding constantly our "willingness" to let him be Lord.

As I said.. it doesn't make sense to me, anymore.

But what does make sense (in light of my previous somewhat convoluted reasoning) is what Jesus says in John 15:15

I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

Now, I can live with a Lord who is not a Master, but a friend.
:)