In essence.

The essence of religion, as is of business, is relating to others as long as they buy your product and it's based on the arrogant assumption that you know what will help them, or what they need.

The essence of life is a broader sense of relationship, that includes the good, the bad, the ugly and the different.

Life.. is my religion.

Tired?

Do you ever get tired of trying to figure out who God is? What He means by what He reveals in the Bible? If He's an inclusivist or an exclusivist (a hot topic currently)? What He wants from you? What does "God" really mean?

I have moments in which I get so tired. Mentally.
I go in circles. Back and forth, yes and no, whys and why-nots, punishment and forgiveness.. and the list could go on and on. It gets tiring and old.

I can hardly figure out myself, with whom I've spent over forty years, 24/7, much less God, with my limited understanding. I can't even know why I feel or not feel certain things, and I have the.. audacity? arrogance? illusion? ..to try and figure out God?

Sometimes I just want to live.

Extreme thinking and a certain type of language...

As I have said before here, I've changed a lot lately. I've distanced myself from a lot of stuff, stemming mainly from me distancing myself from a certain type of christianity and, even more so, from a certain idea of "church".

Part of that distancing resulted in me not quite understanding anymore a certain "christian" lingo, which now, at the very least, doesn't make sense to me, often just bounces off me, and occasionally even irritates me.

One such often used expression is "Lord of my/your life".

What exactly does that mean?

I've been asked recently, "Is He lord of your life?" referring to Jesus/God, of course.

First of all, is that even "biblical" language? I'm having a hard time finding that Jesus ever said "I am/will be lord of your life". Please correct me, if there is such Bible verse.

But, again, what does it mean?

There is another concept that somehow seems to be clashing with this one. Another one of those non-biblical terms that is used a lot, though. And it's the concept of "Free Will".

If I have Free Will, wouldn't that imply that whatever decision I make I am ultimately the lord of my life?

Even when I decide to submit to a "Lord", it is still my ultimate decision, and I submit to my understanding of what that Lord requires from me (so, is my mind my lord?) Or - even - I may submit to someone else's idea/explanation of what Lord requires, which, again, makes them somehow my lord, doesn't it?

From what I understand Lord and Master are used interchangeably, and that would mean that if there is a lord there is also a slave or a servant. And now that concept clashes with Free Will, again. A servant or a slave cannot have Free Will. Someone may say that when you submit to Lord you do renounce to your Free Will, and follow His Will. But that's not true. Because we keep doing over and over again our own Will, by sinning, by interpreting Lord's will, by making decisions, de facto overriding constantly our "willingness" to let him be Lord.

As I said.. it doesn't make sense to me, anymore.

But what does make sense (in light of my previous somewhat convoluted reasoning) is what Jesus says in John 15:15

I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

Now, I can live with a Lord who is not a Master, but a friend.
:)

What are you afraid of?

Besides the obvious physical instances, is fear ever a good motivator?

What would justify and make succumbing to fear right?

What about love? "There is no fear in love"

Can it really be?? How?

Practically speaking what does it mean?

Never mind.

Please, do understand...

Is it more important to be known or to be understood?

Is there a difference?

According to my friend Ray the number one need for a thinker is to be understood.

I'm a thinker. My number one need is.. to be understood.

Now, define "understood".

What does it mean for me?

Can you be understood without being known?

Lots of people know some stuff about me.

Some people know lots of stuff about me. They know "facts". They know the things I'm going through. And sometimes they understand some of what I'm going through. I'm thankful for that.

And still, there is a deeper understanding that I so rarely experience. It's something that goes so down deep that it's even hard to explain. It is an understanding that goes beyond knowledge of facts. Some understand me so deeply without even knowing stuff about me. It's like they are already a part of me, and I'm a part of them. Like we are made of the same dough. And nothing, not circumstances, not distance, not different life choices, nothing - can ever change that.

I said I rarely experience it, but I do experience it. I have those kinds of connections in my life. It's a blessing. Sometimes also a little bit of a curse, because everything else pales in comparison.

Mostly a blessing, though.

I can be understood without being known.

Knowledge is just gravy in those cases.

:)

Lots of.. nothing, really.

I am a thinker. No doubt about that.

I over analyze stuff all the time. My mind is always chewing, swallowing, and digesting something.

It's not always pretty.

However.. lately I have been struggling more with my feelings than anything else. I don't even know if "struggling" is the right word, here.

I have become more aware of my feelings, I guess.

In the last decade or so, I have been brainwashed into thinking that feelings are not to be trusted. The heart is deceitful. Always. I had made that my mantra. And I guess that, for a thinker like me, it wasn't too difficult to go that direction. I could always reduce everything to a mental exercise.

And still, there came a point in which I had to come to terms with the fact that you can't live without feelings. They are ever present, and they do direct your life.

And sometimes those feelings go against all you believe or thought you believed.

So, what do you do?

I don't know yet. I've tried the "do the right thing", and it doesn't always work. You may externally look fine, but inside you're pretty much dying. Everybody will see someone you're not. Then one day the true you, the one with the feelings, comes out and it's a shock. It's a big surprise. They think you went nuts. That you've lost your way. While in reality you were on your own way all along, but nobody could (or sometimes would) see it.

You just can't deny feelings, as much as you try. Even those who say they don't trust feelings base their lives on them, one way or the other.

Granted, sometimes feelings are just momentary emotions. And those may not lead you to the true you. But sometimes (dare I say, more often than not?) they are deeply embedded in you. They are the true you.

And if they don't align with what you thought they should have been, or with other people's expectations, what do you do with them?

Can I change how I feel about something? Some people can. I can't. I cannot fake it till I make it. "Fake it till I make it" to me always translates into "fake it till I can't fake it anymore".

Bottom line is, I cannot turn on and off feelings like they were a faucet.

So, what now?

Love is a choice. Or, is it?

A facebook comment exchange made me think. The exchange started with a status claiming that love is a choice and not a feeling.

What does it mean to "choose" to love?

There was a time that I believed (or tried to believe) that was true. I'd preach it. I'd say it. But, in all honesty I could never truly live it.

So, what does it mean to choose to love?

I guess it means to DO something. Yeah, it must be it, because the other overused statement is: love is an action.

So, if you do something "right" for someone it means you love them. Granted, if you do that, you most certainly do not hate them, but does that really qualify as love? Can you do something "loving" without really loving them?

Let me copy a section of those comments I mentioned above:

I am not even remotely attracted to the homeless stinking guy with no teeth, but I know God loves him and so do I. It's my choice! I don't always "feel love" toward my dogs/kids/husband/family members/neighbors/friends/and so on, but I choose to LOVE them anyway. If it was a feeling I would have walked out some relationships long time ago. I commit myself to love them all everyday. People attach the word love to what they see on TV, romance novels, and country songs. :) The feeling that makes me "feel in love" is not love. But love is a verb that require action, it's hard work, and should not be held back. Peace out.

I think I actually started loving more when I started not looking at love as a choice. It has freed me to love. Bottom line is I don't think I choose to love. I choose not to judge. I started (still imperfectly) loving when I stopped religiously judging everybody. I can love the homeless stinky and toothless guy because I don't see his "stinkiness" and toothlessness anymore. I see him as a person, with just as much value as me. That I do choose. And that frees me to love. And even feeling it!

If I still feel a repulsion and just suck it up, helping him is still a good thing - absolutely - but is it really love? Personally, if I know people do things for me out of duty (because in the end, that's what it is), because they had to suck it up, or because it was their religious act.. well, I'd rather not be "loved".

So, again.. Is it really a sign of love for you to white knuckle it and do what's "right" even though nothing in you wants to? Which in the end is something relatively easy to do when we're talking about the homeless person with whom you have no relationship whatsoever. But when you are in a deeper relationship with someone, to be on the receiving end of "duty" is not even remotely comparable to truly know that someone "feels love" about/for you.

Obviously I don't have all the answers and these are very random thoughts.. but to stay true to my intention to blog more, I decided to write them down anyway..

Peace.

Back. Hopefully for some time.

So many things have changed in the last few years. In the last year, even.

But, how to put in writing something that takes shape inside of you, that emerges from, and forms out of a series of emotions and experiences on which you cannot put your finger, really.

I am most definitely not where I thought I'd be by now. I imagined my life different. Or maybe not. I imagined it like this but I thought I'd like it, and I found out I really don't.

So many things I've shed, because of that. Things that I had piled up on me so much that I had forgotten that down deep under those things there was a person. I think that person is still alive. Maybe not quite kicking, but it will get there, sooner or later.

In the meantime I've found that I like this new old me. That I couldn't care less what other people think of me and of how I should be. That I have a peace I didn't have when I was doing the right and expected things. That I love my kids more. That I am free of impositions.

I also found others walking down the same street with me.

Some have been long time companions, some are surprising recent encounters. And still it feels like they were always walking by me. Love it!

Well, I'd better stop rambling...

I had been thinking about resuming blogging and just didn't want to postpone one more time. That is why I just posted an old draft (inspired by what, I don't know) and decided to write a couple of non-sensical lines just because.

nat

(I think it's also because my surprising recent encounter asked me today what I like to do.. I had to think about it.. and I remembered I do like to write, and to write on my blog.. so, there you go)

Draft

My feet are on solid ground but there is sometimes darkness all around me. The darkness grows, it constricts, it restricts and I can't move or remove myself from the darkness. Suddenly a slice of light cuts through and I am able to move but then the light is gone. My feet, however, remain on solid ground and I wait. Other lights come and call to me. Some of them are bad. Some of them are good, but I cannot follow them because I know they would lead me down a path that isn't for me. It isn't me.

I don't know how I know this but I do so I stay on the solid ground in the darkness waiting for the light of me to come and call me out.